


Chaos of the Heart

by Zam



Category: Verbotene Liebe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-24
Updated: 2010-09-24
Packaged: 2017-10-12 04:23:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zam/pseuds/Zam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened when Christian took Olli's anonymous online advice about questions of his own sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chaos of the Heart

His heart was full and heavy.  He splashed cold water on the face as he contemplated himself in the bathroom mirror.  So many thoughts.  So many feelings.  So much regret.  So much confusion.  Turning from the man who gazed back in the mirror, he slid down onto the floor, he held himself and cried.  He trembled as all those thoughts and feelings overwhelmed him. 

“Really wonderful” were the words Olli spoke earlier as he stood holding his clothes in the doorway.  With silence as the response, he closed the bedroom door slowly.  What response could Christian give after what had just happened? 

It wasn’t the kiss at the gym several weeks ago, nor the one that preceded their sexual interlude.  It was the kiss Christian walked in on with Lisa.  Lisa, who was infatuated with Olli until that moment.  Opening the door to the apartment, seeing his half-dressed roommate kissing the trainer from the gym shocked and surprised him.  Christian never would have imagined discovering Timo there in Olli’s arms, nor any other man. 

It was that kiss that set everything into a spiral.  That kiss that would be followed by more of Olli’s kisses.  Each of Olli’s kisses beginning at that moment resulted in nothing less than a tempest. 

Olli kissing Timo.  Olli kissing Coco, Christian’s girlfriend.  Olli kissing Christian at the gym.  And that last kiss in the bedroom.  Each of these tempests creating a trail of emotional destruction to all in its path. 

Christian wasn’t blameless.  His overreaction among his friends to his discovery of Olli with another man was crass, and greeted with surprise by those friends.  Their admonishment of his outbursts and derision were justified.  But despite their chastisement, his homophobic comments and actions were a frequent defense. 

Defense against what?  He was in love.  He had Coco in his life.  They lived together and shared a bed.  Their sex life was healthy.  That is, until that first kiss.  Christian’s inexplicable outbursts were like waves battering a sea-wall, testing its strength as the storm drew closer. 

Was he to blame for the fight which led Coco and Olli to kiss?  Each of them claimed it meant nothing.  But their betrayal, their lies, caused a breach in that sea-wall. 

The kiss at the gym.  The unexpected answer to Christian’s question.  Why did he kiss Coco?  Why should he believe that Olli didn’t have feelings for her?  The unwelcome answer he tried to wipe from his lips.  Hastened sex later with Coco at the gym—the scene of the earlier indiscretion—his proposed solution to mending the breach through which water now rushed. 

The rushing waters tossed about his emotions.  That unwelcome kiss stayed in his mind; that was often reciprocated in his dreams.  In his confusion, he tossed his love away in his struggle to stay afloat.  He let his love and Coco slip away in those churning waters.  He could never admit to her the truth.  The truth about that kiss—all of those kisses—and the truth about his turmoil in the weeks that followed.  Her goodbye letter to him was full of love and disappointment.  Despite all his best efforts, he was swept out to sea. 

He struggled to hang on as he was tossed about, he felt betrayed again by Olli.  Did Olli honestly know that he was _Gast84_ in that gay chat room?  How could he not?  All of _Halunke_ ’s “anonymous” advice to him was to kiss the man who confused him so; to kiss him to see whether he was, indeed, attracted to men as well as women.  Why would Olli toy with him so at the moment he needed a lifeline thrown to him?  Christian was drowning in confusion. 

Then that last kiss.  It was different.  It was not the forceful, unwelcome kiss from the gym.  The heat of argument, their faces too close.  The pause.  The angry eyes locked in conflict, chests heaving at this moment of life or death.  

Christian grabbed Olli by the back of the neck and pulled his face towards him.  He stopped.  Was this really what he wanted?  Would this rescue him from drowning in this rough sea of conflicting emotions? 

Olli’s hands reached around Christian’s head as their lips smashed together.  Kisses given.  Kisses returned. 

Olli’s hand slid down Christian’s chest to the bottom of his untucked shirt.  Christian reflexively grabbed Olli’s arm, stopping him.  

Could he allow things to move past this kiss?  Was he willing?  Was he ready?  Is this what he wanted? 

Their lips separated.  His eyes closed, Christian could feel Olli’s hot breath on his face, and his lips still so near to his own.  Christian’s lips were wet and burning, just as they were at the gym.  Would he rub that wetness from his lips, again rub away what had been so foul and abhorrent to him? 

Their faces remained close, and he opened his eyes to look at his roommate.  He contemplated him differently.  Christian realized the depth of emotion that Olli had previously confessed, all speaking to him anew, wordlessly in his gaze. 

Christian’s grip on Olli’s arm loosened and that hand returned to his face.  Stroking him gently, Olli’s fingers gently running through his hair.  This was a different feeling.  He wanted to kiss Olli again and did.  He was where he wanted to be, and with the person he wanted to be.  Christian wanted it all.  He would take the lifeline Olli was holding out to him.  He would not drown. 

Gazing again into Olli’s face, his hand running up his chest.  Finding the zipper on his track sweater, he slowly slid it down, its sound matching their low but heavy breathing. 

Their eyes met again and then their lips.  He simultaneously began removing Olli’s sweater as they gently fell back onto the bed. 

Christian was not completely out of his element.  He was no virgin, and recalled the skills one uses in the heat of the moment with a new lover.  The mingling lips, the dueling tongues.  What was new to him was the gently pulsing and expanding erection that pressed against him.  He wasn’t completely surprised that his own responded in kind. 

Lying atop Olli, he made—for him—a bold move in the absence of one on Olli’s part.  His hand moved underneath Olli’s tank top, gently caressing his smooth belly.  Olli’s stomach jumped joined by a quick gasp, perhaps from ticklishness, perhaps from anticipation.  Regardless of which, Christian’s crotch responded in its own way. 

His hand advanced further, his trembling fingers finding Olli’s firm nipples, gently circling them as Olli sighed his approval. 

Their kisses were only interrupted as shirts came off, and as each carefully helped the other out of their jeans.  They lay there now, skin on skin, their arousal separated by the cotton of their boxer shorts. 

Olli slowly lifted his face from Christian’s and looked deep into his eyes.  In them, Christian saw hesitation.  Christian knew the question that was being asked without words.  He nodded. 

With a caring expression, Olli’s lips again met Christian’s.  Christian felt Olli’s hands slide down his sides to the waistband of those boxers.  They paused.  Olli lifted himself off of Christian and sat straddling him, their eyes locked.  Olli’s hand moved gently across the front of the boxers until he had a handful of Christian. 

Christian closed his eyes and sighed.  For much of the rest, he relied on his tactile senses to inform him of what continued from there.  Olli’s lips on his neck, gently rubbing his scruff as his tongue flicked above his collarbone.  Hot breath on his nipples as soft wet lips kissed them.  Olli’s tongue tracing their way from his breastbone to that cotton threshold.  What Olli did next surprised him.  Climbing down to the end of the bed, he spread Christian’s legs.  Olli’s hot breath penetrated the fabric on the inside of his leg.  

In his anticipation of what would come next, Christian fought the urge to open his eyes.  Part of it was the thrill of only experiencing this with his mind, rather than with his eyes.  The other part was that he was with a man.  Just because he had cleared the previous emotional and physical hurdles didn’t mean he could throw all of his previous emotions and inhibitions away. 

Olli continued to explore with his mouth through the cotton fabric, yet did not do what Christian was hoping he would.  What he was waiting for.  Rather, Olli’s tongue began its slow and meandering return-trip to Christian’s mouth.  He felt certain that he would explode at any moment. 

Olli straddled Christian again as their lips blended and tongues danced.  His hands stroking Christian’s face and hair.  Christian’s eyes opened to see Olli’s piercing and intent stare.  He could not fathom what the meaning of this look was. 

Olli maintained control as he rolled them both over, so that Christian was on top and Olli’s legs wrapped around his own.  Christian understood now what was expected.  He was not sure to what extent he would be able to return the pleasures and favors given him to this point. 

At 24, he was not naïve.  Not naïve enough to not know the rudimentary mechanics of gay sex, and how it differed from his experience to women.  He knew that just as he expected Olli to provide him oral pleasure, he would be expected to at least _attempt_ to do the same.  He felt some unease and discomfort and rising nerves at the thought of what penetration he might allow of this gentle and passionate man. 

Christian also realized exactly what was happening between them, exactly what Olli was doing.  Olli was the patient mentor.  He was charting the course.  He was not aggressively forcing Christian into doing anything he might react badly to.  He was slowly steering them through this encounter.  For that, Christian was thankful.  And because of that, Christian was able to continue. 

Returning Olli’s intense gaze, he thrust his tongue between Olli’s wet lips, kissing him with no inhibition.  Grunting and sighing as their mouths ground into each other, Christian sought to affirm the connection they had made so far on this journey, eyes wide open and intent. 

Christian followed his partner’s example, taking the journey from Olli’s mouth, to his neck, his chest, and his belly—which jumped again as his tongue traced a circle around his navel.  The new experience for him—despite the previous stubble, and Olli’s lack of breasts—was as he kissed and moved his tongue along the inside of his leg, was the hair.  He had never been with a woman with unshaved legs, so Olli’s hairy legs were…different.  Not unpleasant or unpalatable, just different. 

Now came the moment of truth for Christian.  For the first time he took hold of Olli’s firmness, as he copied the earlier technique of kissing around it though the fabric of his underwear.  It pulsed as his hand slid up and down the length of it. 

Pushing back further his inhibitions, he pulled off Olli’s underwear, exposing him for the first time.  He rested his head on Olli’s thigh as he fondled and explored another man for the first time.  There was some curiosity in his actions, some wonder at seeing whether another man responded in the same ways as he responded when touched and caressed.  Then he did what Olli did not.  He explored the length of it with his tongue.  This was strange, especially as he got a taste of the juice that was liberally flowing from his partner’s manhood.  He did not immediately enjoy it. 

Olli responded by changing his position on the bed, and somewhat hurriedly sliding off Christian’s boxers. 

Taking a pause before going further, their mouths met again, and their hands freely explored the other’s naked body. 

Facing Christian’s crotch, Olli continued his instruction of the novice.  Christian could barely contain himself in his enjoyment of Olli’s efforts.  But he watched closely Olli’s technique.  Somehow, though, he didn’t enjoy performing this part of their encounter.  He found himself choking and gagging more than he liked, and reverted to running his tongue and lips along the length of Olli’s erection. 

As if he sensed Christian’s discomfort with the situation, Olli changed tactics.  He rolled Christian onto his back, straddling him.  Again, Christian closed his eyes.  For the first time he felt Olli’s nakedness completely and firmly pressed against him.  He thought it strange—more unusual than anything—but felt the need to continue.  Most of what they had done together was good, even enjoyable, but some of it not as much.  Always one to act honorably when he could, he felt he owed it to Olli’s patience and efforts to see it through.  He did not begrudge Olli or his own decision. 

After a long and passionate kiss cleared his mind of such distracting thoughts, Olli again moved them along.  After retrieving the necessary accessories from the night stand, he set to work preparing himself and Christian for what was to follow. 

Christian had never quite experienced anything like it.  Being inside another man.  Olli was in charge, taking his time as he worked Christian slowly inside of him.  Christian did need to suppress a slight laugh, since he never quite expected Olli to be as vocal as he was.  That urge to laugh was solved with a very long and very deep kiss so the mood was not ruined.  This was lucky, considering the pleasure Christian was receiving from Olli’s skills.  Without missing a beat, Olli rolled them over and allowed Christian to take control, but responding to Olli’s verbal cues and occasionally emphatic instruction.  This was something they both enjoyed. 

What happened next surprised Christian and delighted him.  It was an aspect of gay sex that he did not expect, and would not have expected even if told so.  As he continued to thrust himself in and out of his lover, he began to work Olli’s firm shaft with his hand.  When Olli climaxed, he did not expect to feel the tightening and releasing spasms around his own member.  This unexpectedly sent him over the edge as his grunts and moans echoed Olli’s. 

After they had collapsed into a tangled heap onto the bed, they kissed again, both sweaty and satisfied. 

As they lay there embracing, their quiet time became time for thought.  Olli would occasionally kiss Christian’s chest, or he traced small shapes around his nipples; while Christian began absent-mindedly stoking his hair.  He was contemplating all of his own actions, both what had just happened with Olli, as well as events that led to his sudden break-up with Coco. 

After learning of his kiss with Olli—actually, Olli forcefully kissing him—she had asked him whether he was gay.  He offered no response, which she pointed out was also an answer.  Everything that he had been taught—from his father and brother, including the time he was in prison—everything about being a man was that real men were not sissies not faggots.  Yet he had betrayed Coco, and now dishonored his father’s memory—he had done all of this with Olli. 

The silence became uncomfortable.  Christian knew this.  Olli knew this.  What came next was of no help to Christian’s inner turmoil. 

Looking into Christian’s eyes, Olli said, “ _Gast84_ , being with you felt wonderful.” 

Whether this was meant playfully, it hit a nerve inside Christian.  The suspicions resurfaced about Olli’s denials about knowing who he was chatting with in that gay chat room—seemingly anonymously—as they traded advice about their situations with the object of their curiosity/infatuation.  Christian felt diminished to be referred to by his now-deleted chat name.  

For a change, it would not do for him to explode emotionally at Olli.  Rather, he closed himself off. 

Sensing the distance, but not the reason, Olli made his exit, repeating “Really wonderful.” .

As Christian found himself sitting on the bathroom floor crying, all these thoughts and feelings and events ran through his head.  Olli had once again left a tempest in his wake.  Christian realized that their sexual encounter was simply the calm eye of the storm.  The life line was not tethered to anything secure; it was simply a rope that offered no guarantee from drowning.  Tears fell as sobs came like waves finally washing away what remained of that protective sea-wall, and everything behind it that was once safe. 

He had enjoyed the encounter with Olli, until words were finally spoken.  Was it just sex?  Was it more?  If it was more, what else will he have to deal with?  Was he gay?  If so, would there be a future with Olli?  How could he go on like this, being tossed about by waves of uncertainty and emotion? 

He took the advice that _Halunke_ gave him in that gay chat room. 

“Kissing you again was very helpful advice.  Thank you, _Halunke_ ,” Christian told Olli when they next spoke.  “Because now I can forget the whole thing.  For me it was an experiment.  And the outcome is that I’m definitely not into guys.” 

At last he righted himself in the storm.  He did what he needed to do to survive for the time being.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my LiveJournal on 12/19/08.


End file.
